What a wonderfully strange beginning to 2019.
As you may have read in my previous post: I just got dumped. It was only a 3 month relationship but I had fallen hard. The first few days of the breakup were difficult. No doubt it’s a sign of age and maturity but I almost immediately told myself not to waste too much time over it.
I acknowledged and accepted the feelings of sadness. The pain of heartache, the rumbling stomach and the loss of appetite. The intrusive thoughts that force themselves to the forefront. These would crash over me and I’d say to myself “Yes I’m hurting. Yes I’m feeling down and a little sorry for myself. That’s ok, It’s normal to feel this way.” The feeling of loss and grief can be overwhelming at times. So for a day or two it was hard to pretend like it wasn’t bothering me.
That quickly changed.
It could be because it happened around the new year. It could be maturity, wisdom or past experiences. Perhaps it was my outlook or where my thoughts were. Whatever you want to call it. In the end It’s probably a little bit of each of these things. I had this mixed feeling of happiness and sadness along with a bunch of restless energy.
I informed my family and friends it was over the very next day. This included online friends via a popular website. A few reached out, my family gave me words of comfort.
I felt it important to use this restless energy in a positive fashion. In my younger years I might have gone drinking with friends or smoked too much weed. Maybe spend several weeks, or even months thinking about what might have been. Replaying scenes and remembering moments together. All normal things when heartache and breakups are involved.
Instead I walked a lot more. I made a point of meeting up with the friends that reached out. This gave me an opportunity to express my emotions in a healthy way. I started working out a lot more than what I had been doing. I started meditating.
Meditating was difficult at first because the brain and body are completely in overdrive mode when experiencing grief or heartache. Add to that I hadn’t done any in a long time.
I made list of things I wanted to get done during the week, and I stuck to it.
I went to a free morning circuit gym training class provided by my employer. One of the many perks we have, including free access to a beautifully equipped gym. I prepared healthy meals for the week.
I got shit done.
Seriously.
Prior to the holidays I had purchased tickets to go see the movie “The artist” at the Montreal Symphony house. They were purchased initially with the intention of going with the girl I had been seeing. Instead I brought along a friend. For those who might not know it, The Artist is a silent film. In this particular case there was an orchestra playing the score (soundtrack) to the film as it was projected above them.
I attempted to cancel in the afternoon, texting my friend that I was feeling a little down and thought I would just head home after work. I offered her both tickets in case she might want to go with one of her friends. I had gone to the Montreal Symphony house a few weeks earlier with the girl I had seeing. It had only been 4 days since the breakup and although I was doing quite well the thought of revisiting the Symphony house was generating a roller coaster of feelings. To her credit my friend replied telling me to wait until the end of the work day and to check with her then if I still wanted to cancel.
I finished work, still very much undecided as to whether or not I should go. As I was walking to the nearest metro station I unlocked my cell phone. The harsh, cold winter wind was blowing, text messaging app open, I hesitated. Do I text her I’m going to go home and try to be alone with my thoughts? Do I text her saying I’d meet her? My fingers were starting to go numb in the cold.
In a moment of inspiration and motivation I replied “Let’s do it!” and the choice was made.
I had done several days of continuous cardio. Work had been busier than usual. I was a little tired and feeling overwhelmed with emotions but after stopping in at home quickly I made my way to the symphony hall.
I met my friend at the entrance. Walking into the hall brought back a small rush of emotions. I had last been here with the girl I had been seeing. I felt a slight increase in my pulse as I took a deep breath. We walked to our chairs, settled down and passed the next 15-20 minutes before the start of the show talking. This mutual friend had some history with another friend we have in common. It gave us both a chance to discuss life, love and loss in a healthy way.
I left the performance feeling lighter and less melancholic. A shout out to all my friends who made a point of reaching out: Love all of you.
You see other than being a little heartbroken, these past 8 months or so have been some of the best of my life. I’ve got this weird positive vibe going on that I just can’t shake. In my opinion I’ve always been someone who sees the positive things in life, despite being a cynic.
Now that I’ve got all this extra energy and motivation I feel like I’m leaping even faster into the correct direction in terms of my career and personal life. The last time things felt so “right” was when I was a care free child.
I hate using the expression “I just got my heart broken” as if the person I was seeing was at fault. This isn’t the case at all. We simply didn’t have the same hopes, aspirations or expectations. I happened to fall harder than she did. Nothing was broken or lost despite feeling to the contrary for a few days.
Breathing and simple meditation, walking, cardio and working out. A new found motivation, good friends and family. An employer and job I love, a career that seems to just keep opening more opportunities to me. The future looks so bright.
Here’s to having been smitten, in love and broken hearted!
